Busting Wine Wankers

Wine wankers. We all know a couple. Some know many.

Wine Wanker Definition:
Someone who not only talks total bollocks about wine but does it in a superior way and is rarely impressed with a wine.

It can be hard to call out a wine wanker because they are so belligerent and argumentative – plus you don’t want to look like a wine wanker yourself. The only way around one is to actually know what you’re talking about.

I’d like to think I’m not a wine wanker but I do work in wine and am about to finish my wine diploma. So I have taken it upon myself to bust some wine wanker myths so that you can shut your wine wanker pals up.

1. Wine is meant to be enjoyed – so enjoy what you enjoy!
   Contrary to what a wine wanker believes, you don’t get bonus points for having a more worthy favourite than anyone else. All our taste buds are different and the best reason to learn about wine is to learn what you like so you can buy wines you will enjoy. Furthermore, fashions change so you will be constantly chasing your tail trying to impress people. Even furthermore, some fashions are totally unfounded and nonsensical and you might risk looking like a wine wanker yourself if you try to follow them.
2. Asking for help is good
   Not everyone who knows about wine is a wine wanker. Some really know their stuff and really want to help – quite often they are forced into silence for fear of coming across as a wine wanker. This is especially important if you are eating somewhere a bit expensive – there’s absolutely no point dropping £50 on a wine you won’t even enjoy! Just tell the waiter or sommelier what sort of wines you usually like and they will give you some advice. Sommeliers should be trained to show options of varying price level so as not to embarrass their guests (although sadly not all of them are this classy). Wine can be expensive… you wouldn’t go and buy a snazzy computer without a bit of help.
3. Spending more in shops usually gets you more (sorry)
   Technically, a bottle of wine cannot cost £5. When you take into consideration the cost of grapes, cost of making wine, duty, VAT etc it is physically impossible for a wine to cost £5 unless someone is losing money.
   And someone may well be losing money – these are called ‘loss leaders’ and the hope is that when you buy your £5 Savvy Blanc you’ll also pick up some £3 crisps and a pot of the posh humous with pine kernels on top. However, if you want quality wine, my advice is to spend at least £7 and anything you spend above that will (largely) go directly on quality.
4. Number 3 isn’t necessarily true (sorry)
   Ok now we’re starting to see why wine is so confusing but hear me out. There’s quality in terms of what it tastes like in the glass and then there’s quality in terms of the whole picture of provenance and where the wine has come from.
   In all honesty, a £20 bottle of New Zealand Pinot Noir is likely to be an outstanding wine. A £20 bottle of Burgundy Pinot Noir will probably be good to very good. Why is this?
   There are a lot of rules in wine, especially in the traditional countries (France, Italy, Germany etc). These rules were initially introduced to protect consumers. They help you know what to expect from a region and what to expect from the quality ladder (ie Villages – Premiers Crus – Grands Crus).
   This doesn’t exist in new world winemaking countries so all you have to go on is their reputation, marketing and price point.
   The old world rules focus on various elements relating to the vineyard, winemaking and ultimately labelling. These rules enable us to look at a label and know exactly what to expect but they also mean the winemaker is restricted. The producer physically cannot meet the price point that someone who is not following those rules can reach. Some producers therefore stray from the rules and forfeit the luxury of putting a prestigious and recognisable name on their label.
   So some of you might be reading this thinking – why would anyone pay for a Burgundy when you can have an even nicer New Zealand Pinot? I tend to think of it as an original painting rather than a print or a copy – when you buy a bottle of Burgundy you know it has tasted that way for centuries (give or take the nuance of a single vintage). You are tasting history, provenance and heritage. Some people won’t care about that though – and that is fine.
5. If point 4 was a bit much for you, ignore it.
   Commercial wine is rarely bad and you’re lucky to live in the UK, where we have an exceptional array of choice.
6. Smelling the wine is important.
   So much of what we taste is through smell. Honestly ‘the nose’ is probably around 80% of the wine experience. Sometimes you smell more than you taste, sometimes vice versa. Usually it’s the same.
   To get the most out of tasting a wine you should:
   • Sniff
   • Swirl
   • Sniff (the swirl will have released more intensity)
   • Sip
   • Swoosh around the mouth, drawing in some oxygen as well.
   • Swallow/spit
   • Consider how it tastes a few seconds after you have swallowed too

So after all that waffle, I haven’t actually given you anything to go by when you are trying to choose yourself a delicious wine. Here are some soundbites that I think genuinely are sound.

• It’s hard to go wrong with Sauvignon Blanc.
  By nature, Sauvignon Blanc is acidic (which means refreshing) and aromatic. It rarely has oak on it (though American Sauvignon might and some Bordeaux Sauvignons might). If I’m in a dodgy pub and am forced to drink wine I usually choose the Sauvignon.
• Stop asking for ‘dry white wine’ at the pub.
  Unlike the US, most of our still wines are dry. A better description would be whether you want ‘light’ or ‘full bodied’. In white wine this will usually determine whether you are getting oak or not. Oak adds body to a white wine.
• Stop bullying Chardonnay.
  Chardonnay is SUCH a versatile grape and is the white grape of Burgundy, which arguably produces some of the best white wines in the world. Chardonnay can be oaked and sometimes it is done badly – true – just check with the vendor if it is oaked or not and go from there. If you want to taste good oak on Chardonnay, try a Meursault or a Montrachet. Expensive but it shows you how delicious an oaky Chardonnay can be.
• Old wine is only good if it was meant to be aged.
  An aromatic white wine, generally, is not meant for ageing. With Sauvignon Blanc for example, the younger the better because it is meant to be fresh. Bottle age on a wine brings what we call ‘tertiary’ flavours and can soften a wine but only if it is given the right components: quality fruit and age-friendly winemaking. Both of those things cost money so, as a general rule, if a wine is under £10 it probably shouldn’t be any more than 3 years old.
• The ‘legs’ don’t mean anything.
  People love to look at the legs on a glass of wine but it doesn’t show much. It could be sugar, it could be alcohol… it could be soap residue left on the glass.